Just a Little Off Roading

The last month has been the bumpiest, muddiest, zig zagging off roading of this condition that I've experienced since late spring. It's not something I'm talking about in much "detail" with most anyone, even my own husband, but I don't think I have to talk in "detail" because it's all being expressed through my low patience, low energy, and put-off days. I'm beyond exhausted, if that's such a thing? I'm on the verge of tears, but never actually cry in front of anyone, but don't go putting on any sappy or praise and worship music on when I'm in one of these moods because I just might. Thinking about the simplest of activities that I need to do wear me out before I've even done them. I'm literally psyching myself up for days beforehand and hoping, wishing, and praying that I won't get a visual facial reaction rash to make me feel even worse than I probably already feel about myself.

The last six weeks I'm feeling like I'm passing out from the most simplest of things. Thirty minute workouts that I was once able to do are now causing me to stop every 3-5 minutes because the waves of fainting are so overwhelmingly strong and I can't push through them without sitting down and holding my head in my hands. Or I'll be making dinner or washing dishes and I begin to tremble so badly or I get exceptionally spacey in the head, my memory is totally foggy, and the urge (and need) to just sit down can be overwhelming. I was thinking back to this past summer and I hardly did my usual neighborhood walking, like I've done in years past. I used to walk any night that my husband wasn't traveling, but I just didn't have that kind of energy by day end for such a walk.

I don't know if my mast cells are completely hyper and are now affecting my uterus (again), but I'm having daily uterine cramping as well. I also can't help but wonder if the intense bladder pain, possibly a UTI, is correlated with it as well? That was this past weekend's ailment.

I'm going to be real here. I can't really remember the last time I've had a "good" day, let alone a great day. But I'm not going to announce that to the world around me and I'll arrive to church, Mom's group, or the school pick up line looking like I'm having a good day all while feeling miserable inside. I will smile and ask you how you are doing, though I'm feeling like the room is spinning and scanning doorways for an exit strategy. I happily embrace "just good" days, but it's been a while since one of those. I'm struggling with how to answer sweet friends when they inquire of how I'm doing. "Oh, I'm fine" is my typical go-to line, but should I be answering a little more honestly with: "I'm managing it as best as I can."? "There are good hours in every day"? "I'm navigating it and resting when I can."? I maul over my answers to not be a complete liar, but also to not sound like a complete pessimist either.

The struggle of it all is real. I feel like I am two different people. I am Daniella at home and I'm Daniella in the spotlight. I muster up so much energy to be the spotlight Daniella that I'm crashing for it at home, even if it's mind and spirit.

So, yeah, I totally trust God in all of this. In fact, it's my faith in Him that keeps me pushing through some of the hardest of days. In my efforts to stay positive and smile, I have to see the humor in it all so when I read that 'God's got the wheel but we off roading', well, that just sounded about perfect for my life right now. ♡♥🧡♥😆♡

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