I Look Fine, but I Certainly Do Not Feel it
Red Cheeks. I attempted peanut butter and this is what happened. This is *with* coverup on and it still shines brightly through.
45 minutes later...
The day after when the shakes wouldn't go away no matter how much I ate or water I drank.
For five days in a row, this has been my day in and day out. Ever taken care of kids--alone--with hypotension? It's tough! Let me preface all of this by saying, I get low blood pressure moments every.single.day of my life. It's my daily normal and I hardly even think anything of it anymore. I can bend over to pick up a toy, my vision goes blurry and my legs start to stiffen. I will reach up into the cupboard and I can feel my body going limp, yet my heart races. My body internally buzzes all day and all night. It's all very strange to describe, but I'm so used to it and understand what's happening, that anyone around me wouldn't know that I'm "just about" to pass out. I usually close my eyes, take some deep breaths, or crouch down a bit to let the blood tighten up. Those moments happen innumerable times a day, but they are usually 1 to 5 minutes in length and I can "shake it off", for lack of a better phrase. However, they do progressively wear me out and, oftentimes, by 2pm, I feel incredibly in need of a nap.
It's when the low blood pressure moments turn into low blood pressure days. These flatten me. The whole entire day is my body trying to function at 90/50 off and on. Literally. my husband recently saw two of these days back-to-back and in his words: "You looked like you were passed out." The tiredness that comes over me is none other than a type of narcolepsy. I can not shake it. I feel it coming on, my eyes begin to feel like weights, my body can hardly move. All I do is look for the nearest couch or open floor to lay down. It's a bit scary because I become incapable of doing much of anything...except putting my head down. So, it was a few days ago that I mentioned to him that he should help me remember to take my blood pressure when such episodes happen and that's when I thought to take pictures to document it.
Can we just derail here for a minute and talk about the fact that I'm in my 30's and own a blood pressure cuff? C'mon, now! š¤£But, thank goodness to my parents for thinking to get it for me this past Christmas as it's been a huge eye opener to just how low my blood pressure gets it throughout my days. I've had nurses comment about it at various appointments, but to know that I am going through the motions feeling terribly shaky, trembling, and feeling faint because it's so very low. It's the makings for some unsettling feelings, that's the truth.
It was two weeks ago that my husband was on a business trip and we got about 3-4 inches of snow so I went outside and shoveled. It wasn't but 3 hours later that I began feeling shaky. My son was sitting at the table crafting and I couldn't keep my head up so I laid it down. When I awoke to my body jerking, I realized that I had fallen asleep. I relocated him to the living room with a TV show since I knew I was going to fall asleep again. The moment my head hit the couch pillow, I was asleep for an hour. My blood pressure had gotten so low from the shoveling that my body was in survival mode, I guess?
My low blood pressure moments are turning into low blood pressure days and they are entirely exhausting. Now, add onto this affliction, a husband who is usually traveling. This is why I gravitate to staying close to home more often than not. This is what no one sees. They see me at school functions or at church with my pretty clothes on, hair brushed, and make up on because, while I'm still dragging in the morning, it's usually my 'better" (loosely said as if I've eaten problematic food(s) the day before than it's my worst time) time of day for my blood pressure. Even when the low blood pressure moments happen, I can still appear to look just fine. I was sitting in the chair on Sunday and I could feel the overwhelming tired come over my body and I said to Jim: "I can tell I am having one of my low spells." He got me the blood cuff, and sure enough, it was 89/55. Would he have ever looked at me and thought it? Nope. I don't look it, but I sure do feel it.
Even as I write this, my eyes are drooping, I am taking numerous breaks to shut them and recharge. This is real, but it's so hard to explain or to understand if you don't experience it. Every bit of the "life" in me seems like it's being swept out from underneath me. It causes me such insecurity and vulnerability. And when I'm anxious and adrenaline is surging, the low blood pressure worsens. I can feel it in groups when I'm singled out to answer questions.
While today has been innumerable low blood pressure moments and I sit here practically falling asleep in front of the computer, I'm not as bad off as I was the past 5 days so I'm always thankful for a 'better' day than that! All of this has helped me to understand that each of us has much more going on than "what meets the eye" and that would be my encouragement to anyone out there. It doesn't matter who it is; whether you know them or not. What's below the surface? Maybe they're suffering in body? Maybe their marriage is falling apart? Maybe their children are sick or disobedient and they feel helpless, guilt, or shame? There is soooooo much that doesn't meet the eye, but love, compassion, and empathy goes a long way. May we not so much try to understand what someone is going through, but try to understand that we don't understand it all.
Comments
Post a Comment