The Giant Elf in The Room

First off, let me preface this meme by saying I have some amazingly, incredibly sweet, and genuinely thoughtful friends. This isn't directed toward any individual friends, but it's directed toward social scenarios with people who don't know or understand what I have wrong with me. So, I'm just making this very clear: this isn't about individual friendships or the people who know that I have MCAS. It's the way I FEEL when I'm in a crowd of "peers" in social situations where people know of me, but not about me (for example: kid birthday parties, school functions, etc). While no one is making me feel this way, it's how I perceive the way that they may be looking at me and this is why.

They're sitting there eating anything they want and I'm not. I sip on my home-brought hot beverage because water, yes; water, can trigger a flare (read a label on a water bottle and all of the preservatives are why). They stare at my empty place setting and do I dare say that I assume that they are internally questioning whey I'm not eating. "Oh, is she on a diet?" "Is she picky?" "Is the food not good enough for her?" 

When I made the decision to "reveal" my mast cell disease to the whole facebook world of my life, it was not done in haste. In fact, I had thought about it for a couple months and prayed about it for a few months more. Then, I talked with my husband about it and told him what I was thinking to do. Truth is, The Lord used him encouraging me "DO IT!" as my catapult for going through with telling the facebook world. While it's comforting to know that so many people read that post and know I have *something* going on with me, I often feel that they are staring at me with investigative eyes wondering and questioning what IS actually wrong with her? And I get it. More often than not, I try to attend functions feeling better than 75%. I rarely attend when I'm in a full flare, but if I did, no one would be questioning me. 

So that is another layer to why I feel like the "giant elf in the room." Once again, no one is making me feel this way but I do sense their examining looks. I think it's rightly so for me to feel this way as so much of what I deal with is so unbelievable and unimaginable to anyone who doesn't have to live it. It's a tough place and I guess that's why this meme resinated with me? 

Different. It's who I am, it's who I've become, and it's who I'll always be. I'm thankful for my genuinely sweet circle of friends who make the above type of awkward social events (that they aren't a part of with me) manageable because I know I have meaningful relationships that await me when I leave such a situation.