Ruin or Rest?

💛 This.

This is the intersection I stand in every day of my life, but the only difference is there's rarely time to "rest" with three young kids. "But you are a stay-at-home-mom so isn't that what you do all day?" Hahahaha. That's small minded thinking. Though, yes, thankfully, with only my son at home while his sisters are in school, the ability to 'rest' is more than it was this past summer. But, resting all day isn't fair to him and neither is letting my illness ruin me. And when an ill person can't get rest, they start to feel ruined. 

Ruin and rest. There are more days than not that the feeling of ruin wins over the feelings of rested. It's just a fact of motherhood, and that's not motherhood with an illness! So, now, sprinkle on the illness and there's so very little rest. And when there's even a morsel of rest, it's not enough to remotely fill half the tank. 

I'm trying so hard to be the best mom I can be for the kids and to not talk about my issues and burden them with such information. I will push myself for their happiness and I know that the Lord has gifted them to me for that very reason or else I could potentially be consumed with how crummy I feel most days. It doesn't mean it's easy by any stretch. In fact, I'm bone tired. Some days, bone tired to tears. Tears that are shed behind bathroom doors or in closets, when no one sees or hears. Because, let's be real, what is crying in front of anyone going to do or change? Nothing. I'm a mom. Get up and get going because they need me. This is my life. I'm privileged for it and I don't want my laundry list of side effects to keep me from getting to do my most important earthly job. But goodness gracious, all of these side effects are slowing me down and my once Saintly patience gold badge has downgraded to a half torn and faded paper certificate {and it makes me so sad}.

There are minutes, sometimes hours, in each mid day when I feel so deeply tired. The only way I can describe it is borderline narcolepsy. I can feel it when it happens. It's as though I've taken a sedative (though, obviously, I have not) and I can feel the effects of it moving in, and when it happens, I know it's going to eventually consume me. Oftentimes, these particular narcolepsy episodes are after problematic foods, or after multiple days in a row of solo parenting while the husband is overnight traveling or on the weekends when I know I can finally let my guard down a bit. Sometimes it's just simply from a "mast cell dump"; which tends to occur mid-day almost every day. 

When this happens, I feel so tired, so low, so foggy that I want to reach for some kind of caffeine. But then too much caffeine sets off my POTS or my acid reflux. It's a vicious cycle, I tell you, and this is why this quote resinated with me because I'm trying to figure out this whole mom-wife-unwell person triangle of how to regulate my "new normal". 

So, basically, when those moments of "rest" offer themself; such as Micah watching a TV show during a lull in our day, then I may allow myself a little couch nap. Or, if the kids are all happily playing, I won't stress myself out to be in the middle of it all, but rather, sit down and just enjoy watching and listening to them. I've had to allow myself such graces. My active presence shows them I care, even if I'm not actively participating in (said) activity. And I try to think ahead to the future and what they would tell me and I believe in my heart that they would say, "Mom, go rest. We don't want this to ruin you." 💘